מילים

AugustSeptemberOctoberNovemberDecemberJanuaryFebruaryMarchEarly MayLate MayJuneJuly

August

 

my sister won't see this autumn approaching
'cause she died in spring
n' i can't recall where she drove me that morning
can't remember a thing
as i walk through this park
n' spy at the people enjoying
late august's late afternoon breeze
i note to myself that when this city's in motion
it seems rather normal- then suddenly i freeze
for i realize that memories with missing details
are like memories that are destined to be doomed
because it's not like i can call her "yo sis what up?
can you call please once you get out from under your tomb?"
n’ i can't afford to forget so i recite over n’ over
where we met what she wore what she did with her hair
i know i got in that car, i know she was coughing
i know she was driving but i don't know where

it's so weird what happened so fucked up n’ sad
and so unfair and senseless and cruel
and trying to recover trying to get back to normal
is like trying to get comfortable on a wobbly stool

i like the park at these hours all the people i follow
are helplessly unaware
as the time ticks away the light dims and decays
and instead of just spying i stare
i stare at a middle aged couple hugging they're hungry for loving
their lust means they must be betraying their spouses
stare at teens on a bench exchanging first glances
then handshakes then money then finally ounces
i stare at a good looking woman- she’s young and proportioned
but she notices and stares back with rage
"you dumb fuck!" i tell myself "your sister might know her
they look pretty much the same age"

it's so weird what happened so fucked up n’ sad
and so unfair and senseless and cruel
and trying to recover trying to get back to normal
is like trying to win a horse race when you're riding a mule

i'm working i'm eating i get drunk i live
but in a way it's like pretending that there's light in pitch dark
and that notion follows me always including right now
on this bench as the sun sets in the park
early evenings attract lots of mosquitoes n’ fleas
i leave myself at their mercy "bite away as you please"
then i get up and slowly walk away
i guess you can call this an ok day

it's so weird what happened so fucked up n’ sad
and so unfair and senseless and cruel
and trying to recover trying to get back to normal
is like trying to win a horse race when you're riding a mule

oh! it's so weird what happened so fucked up n’ sad
and so unfair and senseless and cruel
and trying to recover trying to get back to normal
is like pretending you're a genius when you know you're a fool.

 

September

 

i bury myself with work pile it on

stretch myself to the limit 18,19 hour days

i bury myself- take on

a zillion projects regardless of importance or how much they pay

i bury myself work as hard as i can

work til’ my body hurts then work a bit more

i bury myself- work the clock all around

work me down the drain work me flat to the floor

i put in hours of effort and sweat

try to distance myself from feeling upset

but no matter how much i detour i zig i zag and i curve

i stay way too close to that hot wire that nerve

that source of raw pain-

i bury myself- and i think of you so much – it's insane.

i bury myself in booze drown myself in drink

swamp myself in spirit from first to final call

i bury myself- i wallow in whisky vacuum vodka til’ i vomit

but i drink to stand not to fall.

i bury myself i'm drinking right now too

a pint of guiness if you must be informed.

i bury myself and think how my notions of you

recently seem to have somewhat transformed

for from dwelling on your last day in this world

so miserable and weak, so feeble you were…

i think now more of dumb little things

catch phrases you'd use , the songs you would sing

i bury myself…

'cause i think of you so much, i think of you so much it's insane.

i bury myself it's the only way i know

that assists me and comforts and helps me not feel

that your death and your absence

an earthquake shook me my structure’s unsteady

can no longer conceal

my internal turmoil my unsound soul

incapability to continue in a life so chaotic

my loneliness n’ grief the lack of relief

i bury myself…

'cause i think of you so much, i think of you so much, n’ i think of you so damn much! it's psychotic.

 

October

 

paranoid scared frightened terrified

paranoid scared frightened terrified

that my know it all father will come home one night

get a heart attack fall off his couch n' die

and that his, you know, second wife will expect me to comfort her

when she cries

terrified paranoid scared frightened

that my mom who spent her whole life in search of

enlightenment

will take fifty pills make her whole system halt

and in the note that she leaves – she'll hint it's my fault

frightened terrified paranoid scared

that one of these days when i'm a bit unaware

my son will climb on a table or a chair

then fall and smash his head on the edge of a stair

and that's it! it can happen life's very unfair.

scared frightened terrified paranoid

that my wife will talk back to someone get him annoyed

he'll go nuts n' she'll try to avoid him but he'll drag her

under the threats of a dagger to a dark dark alley n' stab her

that's why whenever she's late every second feels like

an hour

and how can i not be scared

those little poisonous fuckers are everywhere

just heard my manager got cancer like yours

tried to say something nice to her but stuttered and paused

because i don't believe one can defeat that disease

if you lost then she'll make it? please.

life's full of traps when you fall there's no use fighting

so how the hell can i quit being frightened

how is it possible to not be terrified

to me my phobias are all very justified

like sometimes i know that i'll crack

that it's a matter of time before my brain loses track

and arrives at the station where there's no turning back

join crack addicts and old timers with alzheimers

live with feet on the ground and my head in a void

and i know that day's coming- i'm not paranoid

drove over to see you last weekend you know

just wanted to check on you, say hello

i saw the gate was closed so i approached kind of slowly

a sign read: "mt. saul cemetery weekdays only"

they sealed the whole place off like a fort

if I had any energy in me i'd take this one to court

n' make those fuckers open every day of the year

this ain't no museum you're buried here

they want to tell me when to drop by to say hi?

don't they know it's inconvenient enough that you died?

why do they meddle in my affairs?

when i want to visit is my business not theirs

i hate those assholes with a passion

ought to go there next weekend and just start smashing

n' trash that fancy office and that fence

because angry beats the shit out of scared and

depressed.

 

November

winter brings with it winter brings with it good views n'

good news- b's pregnant again

we kind of figured, kind of figured, little shali- precious

shali- was in need of a friend

b called me over the other day and said: "you gotta see

this"

then showed me in a book how the thing turned from

embryo to fetus

but for both of us this time around is kind of weird

first of all it's our second time and second thing is you're

not here

n' my emotions, my emotions still so bottled…

and i am still unsettled unstill still staltred

shali misses you n' kisses your picture

and he wishes you could read him a book

i am more reserved more realistic

all this wishing stuff just gets on my nerves

but i still hope that maybe somehow someway someday

i'll receive some sort of signal letting me know you're ok

sometimes at night i feel a lack of air in my lungs

then i remember you used to live like this for so long…

b she cries a lot she misses you and wishes you two

could at least talk on the phone

i am more reserved more realistic

all this wishing stuff just gets on my nerves

when i was at your place last time it was so quiet

no noisy traffic nearby no funerals just silence

I sat there for a while- me and that stone the one that you are

under

then suddenly i froze from head to toes came to a

shudder

because the stone – i swear it seemed to be living!

reddish veins running through it i swear i could feel the

thing breathing!

"i'm going mad" i thought "better go home better take a

shower"

then in an empty grave next to yours i saw a wild flower

and it's almost like your beauty's now in that flower

and it's almost like your beauty's now in that stone

and if that is true, if your beauty lives on

well then it's almost like i am not so alone

but i still hope that maybe somehow someway someday

i'll receive some sort of signal letting me know you're ok

winter brings with it, winter brings with it good views and

good news b's pregnant again

 

December

a year has passed and once again it's new year's eve

i don't feel like partying all i want to do is grieve

reminisce recall those moments of bliss

and hope in hearts so naive

it was a year ago exactly when we all took off

you seemed totally healthy except for that cough

but the truth is by that time the doctors already knew

it was the one thing those mother fuckers got right too

you had convinced your three brothers to take a break from their lives

and fly to italy, to tuscany for ten days with their wives

brother two- he was game right away

after a while you won over brother three

brother one- he was the hardest to persuade

brother one brother one is me.

why did i have to be so stubborn, damn!

was it really finances or something way deeper

a year later, still trying to understand

dive into that dirt like a chimneysweeper

so, off we went and i'm so glad we did

the plane landed in rome hit the ground and skid

then we got a small car n' drove through the night

when we finally found the place it was almost light

within twelve hours everyone arrived

all together for the very last time in our lives

a year has passed and once again it's new year's eve

i don't feel like partying all i want to do is grieve

reminisce recall those moments of bliss

and hope in hearts so naive

you were so healthy n' so beautiful the whole time we were away

your only concern was to seize the day

carpe' diem drove to rome took a look at the coliseum

weren't supposed to have wine but you still had some

ordered desserts made sure to have fun

bought different kinds of cheese

in little tiny village factories but actually

looking back i think we all kind of knew without knowing

that that vacation was too good to be true

looking back at those final and incredible moments

i know now that i owe them to you

i'm having a real weird month

so many people that i just want to kill

the world's full of assholes the days don't move

i've had enough of this life. i've had my fill.

a year has passed and once again it's new year's eve

i don't feel like partying all i want to do is grieve

reminisce recall those moments of bliss

and hope in hearts so naive

a year has passed and once again it's new year's eve

but i played all my cards ain't nothin' left up my sleeve

people keep telling me in time the pain will heal

and tonight's new year's eve- big fucking deal. big fucking deal. big fucking deal.

January

i think i've been feeling some change in my life

like more optimistic maybe, or more alive

could be 'cause we finally moved to the new place

or because i got this job offer that might earn me a raise

yeah i'm almost sure something in me is more sound

the other day i even found parking down town

and there was no traffic on the way home for quite a while

n' some chick at the bar told me that i have a nice smile

it was b's birthday last week we saw the new woodie allen

it was about the importance of luck in our lives

i liked it, believed it, didn't mind the british accent

could relate to the thin line between morals and lies

after the film we started talking about cinema and music

similarities between the two

minutes later b and i we were discussing the future

which is something that since you passed- we almost don't do

your absence from my life

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it stings

but in all honesty

i must admit that

sometimes i live other things

your absence from my life

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it stings

but in all honesty

i must admit that

sometimes i live other things

i lost my voice before a show last week n' got stressed out

started thinking that this hoarseness is really about

my profession that it's my body saying cut it out already

grow up already quit this bullshit find something steady

something less nerve racking and more secure

something that stays in one place and doesn't tour

b's pregnant now she'd love it if i'd work fewer hours

if we'd have some time that was actually ours

i went on dwelling getting more and more tense

then in the midst of my anxiety i felt immense relief

smiled to myself in disbelief

because the fact that i still have to tackle this type of grief

means at least one thing in my soul is still steady

that reflection alone helped my worries seem petty

made my body less sweaty

when it was time to perform- well i felt almost ready

your absence from my life

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it stings

but in all honesty

i hope it's ok that

sometimes i live other things

your absence from my life

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it stings

but in all honesty

i hope it's ok that

sometimes i live other things

i had this horrible dream last night in which i approached from a distance

at first you looked just like you did before the cancer did this

but when i got closer i noticed you were full of needle marks

n' in your left palm you tried to conceal something dark

when i asked you to you showed me it was a pair of pliers

"i can't help it!" you cried, "it's burning me! it's burning me like fire!

and this twisting of my skin is the only way to ease my pain!"

i wanted to say something, do something- but i knew it was in vein

your absence from my life

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it's stinging

n' just when i think i have it under control

like a church bell from hell it starts ringing

your absence from my life

like a church bell from hell it starts ringing

it hurts me it burns me

from the inside it's stinging

n' just when i think i have it under control

 

February

something's gonna drag me down soon- that's clear

a memory of some sort a child's tear

something's gonna drag me down before too long

maybe a photo, i don't know, maybe this song

february can be real brutal

but this year we're getting lots of sunny days

life has its way of pampering you sometimes

in meaningless n' stupid n' pathetic sort of ways

i've had some new found creativity flowing through me

a buzz of opinions and ideas gushing through me

most days n' most nights are a lot less gloomy

it's like i look at myself and i see a new me

well maybe 'new' isn't exactly what i mean

because it's more like i feel that what i'm actually seeing

is a freer me an easier me not a bitter me a sweeter me

the kind of me i could have been if this wouldn't have happened or if my heart was tin

but then again in the back of my head

i know this can't last there's a giant slope ahead

it's all a matter of when i begin the descent

to the depths that no one can mend

something's gonna drag me down soon- that's clear

a memory of some sort a child's tear

something's gonna drag me down before too long

maybe a photo, i don't know, maybe this song, maybe this song

going to a party later tonight

don't really want to but i should be polite

to the people who invited me- friends of mine

sometimes i have pictures of them in my mind

at your funeral all red eyed n' teary

tonight their gonna be all chit chat n' cheery

at your funeral with stubble n' a trembling bottom lip

tonight at the party they'll all attempt to look hip

hop around, maybe dance a little

have a drink eye a woman and advance a little

do just what i would have done once upon a time

before the mutant cell you were hosting committed its crime

before it picked you in your prime- but that's enough!

please! please no more of this stuff!

these thoughts and myself just like bonnie n' clyde

the party's starting i better get ready so i don't miss my ride

something's gonna drag me down soon- that's clear

a memory of some sort a child's tear

something's gonna drag me down before too long

maybe a photo, i don't know, maybe this…

maybe this party tonight who knows… maybe this song, probably this song.

something's gonna drag me down soon that's clear

a menu a street sign a child's tear

something's gonna drag me down before too long

March

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

it's like i'm on a drug that distorts perception

the other day i called a friend – just to ask a question

didn't pick up at home, tried his cel. again no answer

i knew immediately it meant he was diagnosed with cancer

or a couple of other friends of mine

who told me not too long ago

that their son's got a cold- a runny nose – all the time

they're dying to know what crazy virus this is – and i know

it's not a virus at all, it's the mutant cell

and they're both about to fall just where i fell

every stomach ache i hear of, every cough, every new freckle

means another sorry sucker ain't gotta worry about shekels

because he now faces hardships on a much larger scale

make all the shit he's been through seem pretty pale

n' pretty soon he'll be poisoned, chopped up with knives

hopelessly hoping he'll somehow survive

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

i've also been thinking about the sex life you had

how many guys were there at all? shit like that

i could probably find out, i think

ask your girlfriends or brother two who knew more about these things

because when you were around i couldn't bring myself to listen

but now i want to find out before it's all too distant

since everything about you is now past

i sometimes have an urge to get more knowledge fast

save as much as i can in a special memory bank

have a designated hard disk treasure chest fuel tank

on a kitchen shelf like a cookie jar calling a kid

then when it's enough i can just shut the lid

so how many guys fucked you? 2? 3? 4?

4's enough you were young i hope it wasn't more…

well actually fuck it! i hope there were ten

it's not like you'll be going at it ever again.

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

am i still ill or is this post traumatic waste

seizing my stomach blowing smoke in my face

am i ill still or is this post traumatic poison

plaguing polluting defying destroying

and you were the baby girl

you were the little baby girl

you were the little baby girl who finally appeared

after three boys after a dozen years

you were the little baby girl the oxygen mask

in the choking family structure, but the task

of being the one who holds the candle-

was simply too much for you to handle

playing your role caused you stress

that resulted in a cancerous tumor in your chest

and now that your life came to its tragic ending

i know it's time for me to quit pretending.

 

Early May

glancing through a random book i took from the shelf

i came across a little note you wrote

you wished b a long long life of happiness and health

and hoped she'd enjoy the gift you bought

little bits roaming around little bits little bits

appearing disappearing whenever they think it fits

little bits popping in and out day and night uninvited

little bits all around me no matter what i've decided

i'm old enough to know not to rely on my memory

because everything too painful to remember i forgot

pity me if you want to if you wish to you can envy me

the fact remains i rule at letting ripe reflections rot

little bits floating around little bits little bits

appearing disappearing whenever they think it fits

little bits popping in and out day and night uninvited

little bits all around me no matter what i've decided

and in time the little bits will shrink even more

the photos will get moldy and the notes will be torn

and in time i'll be old and forgetful

n' the little bits will go back wherever the fuck that they came from

and in time i'll be gone and buried myself

become a bunch of little bits tormenting someone else

and in time i'll get used to this sorrow and fear

and tomorrow it is going to be exactly one year, dear.

 

Late May

the truth is i have nothing new to say

i feel like i have said it all already

threw everything i had at you

threw it far and away

the truth is i have nothing new to say

i feel like i have said it all already

threw everything i had at you

threw it far and away

and now it's all slowly landing

slowly sinking like confetti

 

June

june 27th 1330 b's water broke

sholtry after she started screaming

we rushed to the car full of fear and of hope

on our way to a brand new beginning

mid day traffic didn't make things easier

close to panic rear view mirror helped me see her

leaning and moaning

tearing and groaning

if i get cancer i'm gonna get drunk as a pig

and jump off the tallest building i can find

so i won't be the one who was defeated by disease

i'll be the artist type suffering from an unstable mind

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

second push and a head was out

third and here's a body and a baby crying

two days later brought our baby to our house

named him ari, which is hebrew for lion

and i hope and pray he'll be strong

you gosta be tuff to make it

in this treacherous planet where we attempt to belong

but wind up just like babies misunderstood and naked

ran into saul last night- he's back on the smack

didn't look me in the eye when i stopped to say hi

he was clean for 4 years and now he's back doin' shit

i guess his mama dying last month has something to do with it

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

my beautiful baby is crying right now

so helpless in agony so pure

i stare at him suffer in solitude

he's a baby but his pain's so mature.

it's a crazy mixed up world and a dangerous planet

it's a doggy dog world and a treacherous planet

July

 

a dozen months ago i started this poetry diary project thing

i felt my feet falling and i knew i had to cling

to the only things in this world that are part of my heart

my wife n' kids of course but also my art

que sera sera what will be? no clue!

let the world dictate my life my pen followed through

never lied never tried to hide what i felt i said

when it was time to cry i cried, time to bleed i bled

and am i happy now? nope. don't use the word hope

optimism seems to slip between my fingers like soap

but something very deep in me can now see things differently

because now at least i know i can cope.

followed this almost scientific epic almost religiously

at times found myself wishing i could take this less seriously

in the midst of raw agony the search for something esthetic

didn't come naturally sometimes i felt quite pathetic

killing the screens like i did spilling the beans like i did

remaining unshielded unprotected like a kid

on a long long journey towards youth

every step taking me both closer and farther from truth

and am i happy now? nope. don't use the word hope

optimism seems to slip between my fingers like soap

but something very deep in me can now see things differently

because now at least i know i can cope.

listening closely to my baby breathe i started thinking

how horrible it would be to not hear his tiny breath

every moment in my day contains some nothing

every instant in my life carries death

i'll never forget i had a little sister

never cease to love and to miss her

have thoughts concerning her for as long as i live

imaginations contemplations various kinds of "what if…"

are destined to be part of me forever, however

time made me clever now i realize

i've got a whole lot more than just tears in these eyes

i've got a whole lot more than just tears in my eyes

and am i happy now? nope. don't use the word hope

optimism seems to slip between my fingers like soap

but something very deep in me does now see things differently

because now i know, i can cope.

a dozen months ago i started this poetry diary project thing

i was at an all time low, hanging from very thin string

one year later- a proud father of two boys

occupied insanely with diapers and toys

i know i'm in a better place because shit!

life showed me it's ugly side and i faced it

only once in a while i get weak in the knees

Tova Yael Streett rest in peace, please.